i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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