I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
