someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
