Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
