The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
