yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
