sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
