All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
