Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
