I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
