if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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