Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
