yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
