Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
