I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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