my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
