Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
