Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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