I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
