party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
its liver damage thursday
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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