if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Floor bacon is actually really good
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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