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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Drake has all the answers
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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