Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
