Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
