I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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