where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
time to smoke my breakfast
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
