Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
you never un-have a 4some
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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