My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
