Your face is a jimmy john
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I want a musical about memes.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
