Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
