I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
