6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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