Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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