He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Oh god it's open bar.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
