guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize