I'm passing your future prison.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
