I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Randomize
