He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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