I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
