3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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