At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
