She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I have fence marks all over my body
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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