DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
