That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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