There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
