Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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