his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
