She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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