I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
