Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
